The long and winding road

Too often weight loss journeys are an uphill battle with food, exercise, discouragement, and the overwhelming feeling of “this just isn’t working”.  I have felt these things in the past couple of months.  We had initial success of a few pounds lost, then….nothing.  Sigh.  We wanted to exercise but had some roadblocks to overcome, such as laziness.  Too much of one thing, and not enough of the other crossed my lips way too many times.  Then, I’d set my resolve again only to be sidetracked by a curve in the road.  That’s the funny thing about curvy roads, you can’t see up what’s ahead, and even less, the end of the road.  It would be so easy to give in and get good and fat, again.  All I can say is, thank God for accountability.  My sister, Richelle, is my accountability partner and since she lives with me, it’s kind of hard to escape the in-your-face-ness of this aspect of our journey.  If it weren’t for her, I would have never joined the Planet Fitness gym.  That’s right folks, I joined a gym.  And I even LIKE it.  We exercise somewhere between 3-5 days a week doing a variety of things.  And I am starting to see some results, though not necessarily on the scale.  So, I have recommitted myself, again, to my food goals, my blog goals, and now have a commitment to exercise goals. Hopefully, the road will straighten itself out soon.

Sweet Nothings

I love sweets!  This has been my go to drug of choice when dealing with emotional issues.  Even without the emotional struggles to fuel addictive behaviors, I still like my just desserts!  There are few sweet things I won’t eat.  So, with this diet we are on restricting ALL sugar (gack!) I needed to find something to fill my sweet tooth.  For the longest time, I swore up and down that I would never eat sugar substitutes.  And frankly, I really couldn’t stand the taste, especially aspartame.  Splenda I could deal with.  So I had to come to the conclusion that if I was to be successful on this diet I needed to: A. NOT eat sugar, and B. find and acceptable substitute.  So, here is a list of “Sweet Nothings” that do right nicely:

Sugar Free pudding (Jello brand is good)

Bryers and Turkey Hill No Sugar Added ice creams

Homemade frozen mocha with sugar free chocolate syrup

Smucker’s sugar free hot fudge and caramel sundae sauces (goes good in coffee)

Sugar free gelatin

Sugar free hot chai

Skinny Latte from Starbucks

How about you? Got a favorite sugar-free treat?

Feeling “Normal”…Whatever That Means

 -Richelle-
Yeah so I have this list  in my mind of things I am looking forward to when I FINALLY reach my goal weight.

At the top of the list? Feeling normal in my body.

I have not felt normal in my body for a very long time. This is just not who I am supposed to be. This is not how  I am supposed to look. This is not the me I picture in my mind.  I picture someone in shape and “normal” looking.  Now, I know this won’t solve all my problems with my self-image.  But I know it is gonna help a whole lot. 

 I used to wear mostly men’s clothing. T-shirts my husband brought home from work and jeans or sweats were my wardrobe choices. Lately I have really been trying to dress somewhat more femininely.   I wear a cut of jeans that looks much better on me then what I used to wear and more feminine tops. So I am hoping by the time I lose all the weight I have to lose, I will be ready to become fully feminine in my dress and such. And thus aiding my self-image even more.

 I am trying very hard to be realistic and remind myself  I am not going to look like I did when I was 20 years old before I gained all the weight. I am curious though to see what my body will look like at its ideal weight. I am hoping I will resemble a somewhat fit 30-something woman. I know certain things can’t be helped. Because of being overweight for so long, certain parts of me will be stretched out beyond repair.  Not to mention permanent stretch mark scars as well. I think now is the time for me to make peace with all of this so I am prepared when I finally do reach the end of the weight loss journey and enter into the ongoing maintenance part.

So all in all, this is just another step in the direction of self-acceptance. Because no matter the circumstance, we have to accept ourselves as we are but yet if there is room for improvement (which there usually is) then we should work on the improvements but not to where we are destroying ourselves with negative thoughts and actions. So again in my life, it is all about finding balance.

Shocking. 🙂

One step forward, two steps back, this kind of dance can never last…

You held me up held me down
Made me crazy then you brought me around
Were my darkness and my light
You were my blindness and my sight

Were my shelter and my storm
Made my cold then you made me warm
You were my fever and my cure
Made me doubt and you made me sure

One step forward and two steps back
Nobody gets too far like that
One step forward and two steps back
This kind of dance can never last

You were my hope and my fear
You were my laughter and my tear
Were my destiny and my faith
Kept me moving and you made me wait

Were my weakness and my power
You were the thorn in the flower
You were my sunshine and the rain
Made me feel so good brough so much pain

One step forward and two steps back
Nobody gets too far like that
One step forward and two steps back
This kind of dance can never last

SOLO

And we never really meant for each other
We were never meant to last
In the years that we danced together
Each step forward we took two steps back
Each step forward we took two steps back

One step forward and two steps back
Nobody gets too far like that
One step forward and two steps back
This kind of dance can never last

One step forward and  two steps back
Nobody gets too far like that
One step forward and two steps back
This kind of dance can never last

Song by Desert Rose Band

Lyrics by Chris Hillman, Bill Wildes

-Steph-

Weight loss can be like this country love song.  We go forward one step, and take two steps back, or three, or four.  Everyone reaches this point in a goal to change something in their life.  Change is easy to talk about, think about, dream about, but when it’s time to actually do something about your goal, well, that’s not so easy.

So, I  have been taking several steps back.  Life is really, really hard right now.  My husband is out of work an I am having difficulty finding work.  We are constantly being called by creditors looking for payment, we are getting threatening letters in the mail, our son has picked up on the stress and is acting out.  I confess to being an emotional eater.  When life gets tough, the tough get chocolate, or sugar, or carbs, or fat, or whatever makes us feel good.    For about a week and a half, I have been allowing myself things that I had previously told myself couldn’t have.  Then felt excessive guilt.  Why?  I am supposed to be leading my sister and myself through this weight loss journey.  I am blogging about, and therefore setting a bad example.  I have fallen prey, yet again, to my own emotions.  I felt depression and anxiety, all over again.   Not to mention that Richelle is losing weight faster than I am, so I am frustrated.  I am afraid to step on the scale to see how much I have gained.

It would be SO easy to just give up.

And I have, many times in the past when I have attempted to lose weight.  My mantra went from  “I can do this” to “What’s the point? This is not working.”

So here I am again.  Do I give up, or do I keep going?  And how do I keep going without the drudgery and the frustration keeping me down?  Cause let’s face it, changing a lifetime of bad eating habits is HARD.  And, like anything worth having, it’s WORK.

So if, as the song says, one step forward and two steps back can never last, then what?  Maybe I need to change my dance.  A week and half of selfishness should not be a reason to toss the baby out with the bath water, right?  As they say, I can get back up on that horse again.  I can still do this.  I may be in this longer than my sister, who is having more tangible results than me.  But I can still do this.

Even if there are two steps back, at least there is still one step forward, eh?

-Richelle-

Steph is right.  It IS hard to stick with this weight loss thing. It becomes WORK  very quickly and I just simply get to the point where I don’t really care. Or I will lose some weight ( I’ve lost about 17 pounds all totalled, about 9 of that on the diet) so I will think, “Ok cool I can have some fun and cheat a little bit.”  And while a little liberty is OK, I tend to let things get out of hand.  Then I stop caring and start to just eat whatever I want. Plus I too am an emotional eater. So with the stress in the house (particularly today when our brand new bed caught fire) I find myself wanting to have my comfort foods like fast food burgers and ice cream. But that’s how I got to where I am to begin with. Because I would always give in and indulge myself whenever I wanted to. But now things are different. They have to be because I don’t want to regain the weight I have lost and more on top of that.  I am miserable being so overweight. I feel like I am trapped in my own body. I can’t even do the simplest tasks without being in pain. It is hard for me to move around sometimes.  It is a constant frustrating vicious cycle. So despite the urge to give up, I want very much to keep going. And to make things a little easier, Steph is the “food leader” and I am the “exercise leader.” That way the responsibility is not on one person’s shoulders.  If we both do our part I truly believe we can accomplish what we have set out to do and keep taking steps forward and no steps backward.

Now comes the hard part.

Okay.  It’s been 27 days now.  This seems like an eternity.  I have lost 5 pounds.  I’m hungry all the time.  I want to wrap my teeth around so many bad things.  And we’re out of popcorn!  This is where the whining and scheming usually start.  Well, just one piece of bread and butter won’t hurt me.  Right?  Wrong!  Compromising one small thing usually leads to comprimising on more and more things until I am back to where I started.  This is a routine that I have been in many, many times.  So, despite my distaste for writing, I am blogging about it.

So these are the thoughts running through my mind during dinner- “Boy this soup is good.  Needs some bread to go with it.  No. No bread!  Well maybe just one piece of bread.  NO BREAD! But I am still hungry and this soup is good but is not filling me up.  Bread would fill me up.  NO BREAD!!!  Darn, we’re out of popcorn too.  Ah, screw it, I’m gonna eat something sweet.  No, wait, Fran brought me that hot chocolate earlier. Darn!  No popcorn either.  Well maybe if I just have one piece of bread then maybe my stomach will shut up!  Darn, no popcorn.  I know, I’ll cook some spaghetti and put butter and parmesan cheese on it….”

And on it goes.

It’s much easier to talk myself into something than out of something.

But I have to keep my eye on the goal or else I will NEVER GET THERE!

Banana Cream Pie Guilt

Steph said I could have a slice of banana cream pie tonight. And I had ordered baked stuffed shells from Nick and Joe’s for dinner. Obviously the shells are barely admissable on our diet and the banana cream pie was a clear indulgence.

But I felt guilty afterwards. And still do.

I am finding some really interesting feelings and attachments to food surfacing as I walk down this road of weight loss. Why should I feel guilty for eating something even if it is “bad for me?” Now that is not to say that I am going to go back to how I was eating before. But there is definitely something wrong when someone feels guilty over food.

I do not at this time know why I feel this way. Maybe it stems from childhood. Having been denied food I wanted at times and overindulged at others, it was a confusing time for me. My mother liked to control me  and I think this was one of her ways of doing it. I had to ask permission to eat some things. And it was on her whim whether or not I could at that time. I would go to my friend’s houses and they could eat whatever they wanted whenever they wanted to. They didn’t need permission. I found this to be very frustrating and the seeds of my rebellion were planted. Not to say I blame my mother for my present condition and situation. But her need to control me with food certainly contributed. 

Im still not completely clear on this. Hopefully with time it will make more sense to me.

Updates on how we are doing…

Okay, it has been 19 days since our first post. I am sure you are all waiting to find out how we are doing. I know I have been wondering. Without further adieu, here are the stats for Stephanie:

Weight- 242, that’s 5 lbs. lost!

Bust- 50″, 1.5″ lost Arm- 15.5″, 1.5″ lost Waist- 46.5″, 2.5″ lost Hips- 55.5″, 1.0 ” lost, Thigh- 27″, 1.5″ lost!

WOOT!

And Richelle’s measurements are:

Weight-257 That’s also 5 pounds lost!

Measurements: Bust- 53.5 Arms-16 Waist- 53.5 Hips- 53 Thighs-24 I gained and I lost inches in different places.

Can I get a WOOT WOOT!? LOL 🙂

Now on to something harder, exercise. Ugh. I’d like to be addicted to some form of exercise that doesn’t cause pain and suffering. I like walking, sort of. There is a challenge coming up from a section of the News Journal called Delaware Health. Here is the link: http://www.delawareonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/99999999/HEALTH/100118030/1006&theme=walk&template=theme. This challenge is to walk 100 miles in 10 weeks. Think it can be done? I’m considering doing it, starts on March 2. How about you?

Yup I am considering doing the challenge of walking the 100 miles too!

Addictive Tendencies Transferrence, Or…I Am Using The Computer Too Much In Place Of Food

So….

Having grown up with a drug addicted mother, it was inevitable I would pick up on her addictive behaviors and adopt them as my own. Thankfully this never translated into drug abuse. But it has manifested itself in other ways. One of which has been food; thus the reason for this journey of weight loss Steph and I are currently on. I happy to report a weight loss of 4 pounds since starting the core diet plan. I am unhappy to report that my addictive tendencies have shown up in the almost constant use of my laptop. This is a very frustrating pattern for me. While I am proud of myself for having been very disciplined in keeping away from sugar and other bad foods, my addictive behaviors constantly popping up like this is very frustrating. I think part of my journey is going to be not only losing weight, but also finding new more constructive ways to spend my time. While I am glad that this has come to light, it doesn’t make it any less painful to have these things revealed to yourself. So moving onto yet more growing pains. FUN! :0)

Friday Night Bites, also titled How to Keep Your Sanity While Losing Weight

Sanity is very, very important in any new situation.  Otherwise, half of the world would be nuts at any given moment.  Boy would that be messy!  Put a couple of animals in a cage, and they will die, or at the very least, not reproduce.  Humans, although, have amazing powers of adaptability.  Sure, we don’t like change, and usually get grumpy when forced to change, but we can adapt to our new situation.  And more importantly, thrive in it.  Once we have gotten over the grumpiness, that is.  However, when it comes to food, we want what we want and when we want it.  Not very conducive to weight loss. So how does one keep their sanity during weight loss?  There are several things one can do, but I am going to focus on a concept called “The Free Meal (or day)”.  The Free Meal (or day) is when one allows themselves to eat whatever they want for one meal, within reason.  I mean, point of weight loss is to not overeat, right?  But, letting ourselves have that pizza or Chinese food or bagel with cream cheese really helps to keep up sanity.  Why?  I believe that is because when we totally deny ourselves a pleasure, unless you have superhuman self-control, we go nuts salivating over that food, then we totally blow it overindulging.  Our eyes make the food item that much more appealing when we deny ourselves totally.  We heap guilt on ourselves, repent, then sin again.  Free meals give us something we want without the continuous cycle of blowing it.  I am not advocating stuffing yourself silly with pizza, but enjoy a slice or two during your free meal.  Once that is over, getting back into the swing is easier.

My husband and I enjoy many different types of food.  Foreign and domestic.  As my 4-year-old puts it, we like food that starts “a party in our tummies”.  Since we are particularly poor now, we cannot visit our local sushi place or favorite pizza joint and indulge our senses.  Before Richelle and I started this diet I had decided that Friday night would be our “special meal” night, i.e. I would make something special like pizza or Chinese dumplings.  That way we could still get special meals that indulged our senses without seriously hurting our pocketbook.  You can imagine my dismay when I realized that pizza and Chinese dumplings were right out.  Hence, the “Friday Night Bites”.  Richelle and I have just one meal of whatever we want, without guilt, and without overeating.  Just enough to have a “casual affair” in our tummies.

So, go ahead and allow yourselves that tummy party, just be sensible enough to keep the neighbors from calling the police cause your tummy is too rowdy!

The Great Sugar Controversy

-Richelle-

My name is Richelle. And I am a sugar addict. Yes, I love sugar. In all its wonderful forms. But mostly the chocolate form.

Frankie and I were at the store and I wanted some other kind of creamer than what Steph buys for coffee. So I initially got  sugar free Coffee Mate French Vanilla. But then I thought..oh boy it has fat in it. Maybe I should get the fat free kind. So I went back and traded it for the fat free variety.  But I didn’t think about the fact that I am addicted to sugar. So….I came home and told Steph about it honestly thinking it would be OK because we are  ignoring a few other rules on the diet. Like fat free cheese.( Seriously, who eats that stuff?) So, I argued my case. But it didn’t work. Steph, ever the wise one, pointed out that both of us are addicted to sugar. So, I am taking back the fat free creamer and getting the sugar free one tomorrow. Sigh. Bye-bye to sugar.